How do you kill your own mother?

Honestly, these days, I wonder what is really going on in the world today; surely the cliché that the world is coming to an end is becoming a reality and a very scary one at that.

How do you kill your own mother? That is absurd, an unimaginable abomination, mothers are loved and treasured especially by their sons, at least that is my experience, they dote on their sons and in return, their sons loved to no end.

It was therefore a great shock when I heard in the news that a son had been arrested by the police as his mother lay dead on the floor with an apparent stab wound.

My first reaction was that of sadness, this is a tragedy that no mother and son should ever experience, what could has possessed a child to allegedly stab his mother, I consider the idea that he might be on drugs or he could have had a mental breakdown, either way, it is still very sad.

It wasn’t long before the story appeared on Facebook and sure enough, in our fashion of being an expert in everything without and any real knowledge on anything, my people had plenty to say, some expressed sadness while some were ridiculous in their comments, the most absurd comment been that Nigerians in diaspora cannot raise their children and even suggestion that any child showing signs of trouble should be sent to Nigeria, as if there is some kind of magic that straighten children in Nigeria.

Is this not the same Nigeria, where the moral decadence is legendary? Please spare me.

Some decided to vent their anger on absent dads. Rightly or wrongly, we all have a lot to answer for, when a relationship breaks down, should it be to the detriment of the children? Father or mother, it takes two, however, there is no evidence that the story would have been different had the father stayed, but like Tesco would say “every little helps”

Until I know the full details of this sad and senseless tragedy, I maintain that something tragically went wrong in that family and it came to a head on that fateful day.

The boy has been charged for the murder of his mother and an inquest opened, hopefully more will be known of the tragedy that befell this family and we can all learn a thing or two from it.

Thank You

Today’s Daily Prompt: Thank You.

When I think about it, there is so much I have to be thankful for, not least because I am alive today, that might be a cliche but really, things could have been worse.

Just a little over a year ago, my youngest son had fallen ill mysteriously, no one could tell us what was wrong, countless blood tests and visits to the hospital revealed nothing, only that he was producing far less white blood cells than he needed to be able to fight any kind of infection, that in itself was scary and dangerous, potentially anything could kill him, even a minor cold, yet he displayed none of the symptoms of Neutropenia .

He grew worse and became lethargic and withdrawn from almost everything and everyone, school had to be put on hold for several months while he receives treatment. How he came out of  is as mysterious as getting ill in the first place, because there was no conclusive diagnosis, his treatment was more of a trial and error, but he got better, for which I am eternally grateful.

For a boy who missed practically the whole of Year 10, his GCSE result was encouraging, I remember asking his head of year if he can retake year 10 and his advice then was it might do more harm than good. Am glad I took his advice.

Today I am saying thank you to God for my family especially for my son’s health and continuous improvement.

What do you think of me?

It’s amazing what goes through our minds in our moment of idleness, could it be that we have nothing better to do with our time or we have nowhere to be which can save us from emotional suicide.

Good old Facebook, it will  throw you some  light humour when you least expect. and some downright crazy ones.

My Facebook page can be boring to say the least, so for amusement value, I joined a few “closed” groups, it can be very interesting to see how grown-ups grovel  for recognition, people who would have remained in obscurity if Mark Zuckerberg had not had a brainstorm and created Facebook, suddenly, they are “relevant”, they have an opinion about everything, worse still, they think their opinion  is far superior than any other,  even when they are a total dimwit.

I hailed from a group of people to whom  “unique” takes a different meaning, we are unique in every sense of the word. I doubt if there are  any other group of people like us, that’s not to say I have met every group there is, but we probably come very high or low on the food chain, depending on the angle of consideration.

I know they say God never made mistakes, but a certain part of me just couldn’t help wondering if by any change he could have made a tiny  weenie  bit or we are just a stroke of genius  on a day God decided,  right, let’s create some that are completely out of this world weird! .

when someone ask the question “what do you think of me?” my first reaction is always a hysterical laughter, surely you do not want to know, what would possess you to ask such a suicidal question,  you give the impression that you’re either insecure with low self esteem or you’re egotistical and you’re  tripping.

Since when does it matter what anyone think of you? not unless you make your living from people’s opinion, and there are some well meaning occupation in that category, but on Facebook ? in a group which makes no jolt of difference to your existence?

As you would expect, there is usually 2 camps to this mad circus, those who are For and those who are Against,. This becomes the avenue for causing each other out, messages which used to be sublime now becomes direct, and some cannot handle the heat forgetting that they asked for it.

If you are not matured enough to hear my opinion, why ask for it? I was minding my business before you posted that ill-conceived  thread, and just why do you think you are so important to warrant a space on my mind?

I generally stay out of such discuss, as I doubt very much if you really want to know, the best I have ever given to such thread is “why do you need to know?”  would  you be happy if I say you lack depth or would you like me to say you were the best thing since Warburton’s Toasties, I bet that will make you happy, but that’s not my job, that is something for you to deal with.

What do you think of yourself? If you look in the mirror and like what you see, then stick with it, if not, change it..

If you step on my toes, without mincing my words, I should let you know what I think of you, In the meantime, don’t solicit my opinion.

If you genuinely add value to people, they will seek you out, you don’t need to go looking.

In my opinion, only a fool will ask this question.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the very first step to recover from any problem  – Kaith Schneider

I had planned to write a series  called “gateway to happiness”, not as a qualified psychologist or a counsellor, because I am neither, I am just someone who has done a lot of soul searching and read extensively on the subject of happiness, mainly because I used to go through life ever so unhappy and lived with painful emotions for so long, so much so that I made a conscious decision to put a stop to it. I needed happiness in my life like I need air to survive.

When I read  Kaith Schneider’s article Weathering the Storm http://weatheringthestormbp.com/ I knew it was time for me to write my piece on acceptance as I have been putting it off for a few weeks.

Acceptance is the first step to make any change in our lives, there is no point wishing we were someone else or our life is any different to what it is, or that by some stroke of luck, our family will suddenly mutate into the perfect family, matter of fact, there is no perfect being, we are all created with unique characteristics, and the earlier we accept our situation for what it is, the quicker we can formulate a plan to change the aspects we are unhappy with.

Knowledge they say is power, we spend untold amount of time going through a vicious circle, applying same methods to every area of our lives, methods that has been in our family for generations but served no purpose, how about challenging the status-quo and make a concerted effort to find out as much information about our problem or that thing limiting us from progressing to the next stage. In getting knowledge, you get understanding, when you have all the information about your situation, you are armed with better understanding of your problem and that opens  a wave of possibilities to you.

Denial is the opposite of acceptance, how often do we tell ourselves it’s not a problem, I don’t have a problem, or it’s someone else’s fault. Denial will keep you locked down in an unpleasant place, if you have a health issue, seek help, don’t just deny it or wish it away, the earlier you get help the better for you, it might actually be the difference between life and death.

For years I struggled with my weight, though I was unhappy about it most times, but I convinced myself that it was not a problem, I lived in denial  until it got to the  point where my health was threatened and I  accepted that it is a problem and I needed help to lose the weight. I sought the help of a diet consultant because I knew I do not have the strength to go through it by myself, I needed someone to hold my hands through the process and let go gently whenever am ready to do it by myself. That was 2 years ago, and I haven’t looked back since then, I made positive changes to my diet and exercise regime and I went from a dress size 18 to 12 , suddenly I am confident again and happier with the new me, I now know that I never want to be in that state again.

Acceptance starts from within, accept yourself, if you are unable to accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?  understand your strength and your weaknesses,  take advantage of your strong points and work on your weak areas until they get stronger.

Accept your family for who they are, respect their choices, everyone has a right to believe in whatever the feel right to them, accept and respect that, do not try to force you belief on anyone it will only cause frictions and bad feelings between you and them , as if you don’t have enough to deal with. Spend quality time with your nucleus family and appreciate them.

Accept your friends or change your association, there is absolutely no point in hanging around people who are toxic to your life just because you’ve known them since you were in infant school, you need people around you, who makes you feel good inside, people you can talk to freely and share ideas with, people who will not judge you, neither should you judge them.

If you are unhappy about your work, take a holistic view about your situation, and ask yourself some soul searching questions, what does this job mean to you and your family, what is stopping you from where you want to be, if you are limited by your skills, then get some training, in the meantime, make the best of what have until such  time you are able to change your job, it will be detrimental to your health if you go into work every day and you spend most of the day being upset by one thing or the other, it will be worse if you feel trapped, I once had a job I was desperately unhappy at, to cope, I created an alter-ego which I change into as soon as I step into the building and I take off when it’s time to leave, I accepted my situation  as a temporary one and did my job to the best of my ability whilst I kept working on a change which eventually came.

It will be nice if we are able to control every situation, but the truth is, we cannot, certain situation are beyond our control, If we learn to accept them and work within their parameters and make the best of them, then we will hurt less.

When a star comes crashing to the ground

The weekend starting Friday 12th July was unlike many others, I have been on a roller-coaster of emotions from the previous day, my son was participating at the U23 European athletics championship in Finland and as luck would have it, the whole event was being streamed live on the European Athletics website.

The  first 100m heat took place mid morning and he did reasonably well, he won the heat and I was confident  that he would do well in the semi, however, by the time the semi came round about 4:30pm UK time, I was a bag of nerves, again he won the semi with a PB (Personal best), needless to say I was elated, I was on a high, my son is making waves on a bigger stage, this is what I have longed for ever since he was 10 and had chosen athletics over football

The previous week, I had decided that there is more to life than money, I planned to take Friday 12th off  from work to attend my friend’s daughter’s  graduation ceremony, but I wasn’t going to leave without my laptop, whilst everyone was in the auditorium where the graduation ceremony was being held, I opted to watch it via video link and watch my son participate in the 100m final on my laptop  simultaneously.

My son won the silver medal and I was overjoyed, to me it was an equivalent of an Olympics  gold medal, I know that is a long way off, but it didn’t deter the spring I now feel  in every step I take and by Saturday I was still basking in the euphoria of the previous day’s achievement, a grin as wide as a slice of watermelon on my face.

Sunday brought more joy, the team won the gold in 4X100m relay, but the joy was dampened when his compatriots who competed at the World Trials in Birmingham all came up with PB’s, they all broke the 10.20 seconds barrier

By the evening the news got progressively worse, Tyson Gay had announced that he failed a drugs test in an out of competition test in May, the rumour mill has gone into overdrive, and there is a possibility that up to 5 Jamaican athletes might have failed a drugs test too..

What an anti-climax, to have gone from such a massive high of the last 2 days to  a below the earth low of the drama now unfolding.

We didn’t have too long to wait before we were told that Asafa Powell is one of the Jamaican athletes who has failed a drug test, pandemonium descended  on the world of athletics, there was disbelief in many quarters , I felt like I had just had 10 rounds of boxing with Amir Khan and I had been thoroughly and deservedly battered.

These are 2 of the most loved and respected athletes, how could this have happened, in all honesty, I wished it was a bad dream and I will soon wake up from it, but sadly it was true, I vigorously searched through social website and news channels  like an addict desperate for a fix to acquaint myself with as much facts or maybe fictions, anything that will confirm that someone somewhere made a terrible mistake, but all the news confirmed what I already knew.

For days after, I was still in disbelief but the shock was gradually wearing off, between me and my husband, we had ferocious debates on whether  it was a genuine mistake or they were actually drug cheats, part of me refused to belief the later.

When a star comes crashing to the ground  a void is left in the sky. A lot of people are left with an empty feeling, a void and confusion that may take time to put right, If I being an adult can feel this empty, I wonder what is going through the minds of young athletes who looked up to these guys as a role model, one they wish to emulate.

How do you convince a 10 year old taking up athletics for the first time, that his natural gift and hard work can take him to the top, how do I start this conversation with my son, we have to talk about this, we cannot pretend it didn’t happen, we must talk about it.

Opening our conversation with one of my age old mantra, “it’s alright to be different”  we had a heart to heart about the events of the weekend and yes, it is possible to get to the top through hard work using your God given gift, you really don’t need to cut corners and cheats do get found out eventually.

To my relief, he was not so cut up with the whole saga like I was and once again my belief in hard work and my fantasy with athletics is restored and to crown it all, he was selected as a member of the relay team to compete in the upcoming World Athletics championship in Moscow.

Happy days!

Expectations

In every relationships formal, informal or business, we have expectations,  which is quite different from obligations, we expects our friends to uphold good morals, we expects certain values from them , sometimes we expect them to be like us right? The truth of the matter is expectation is the burden of the bearer and the other party may not even be aware of it neither are they obliged to meet our expectations.

At least in business, there is a contractual obligation for each party to meet the terms of the agreement, and neither party can be held to anything outside of the agreement, but in an informal setting like friendship for instance, there are no terms of engagement, this is a relationship freely formed by two or more parties, each with his or her own unique characteristics and sometime agenda. Why then do we hurt so much in relationships particularly in friendship?

for some time, I have pondered upon this particular question,  but wherever I look, only one thing stares me in the face, one word, a word that means so much and has so many facets.

EXPECTATIONS! the dictionary describes expectation as an anticipation of something, a hope for something or even a TRUST, now, that is the catalyst, the word TRUST and this is where the problem starts. Could our trust be misplaced leaving us in expectation of something the other party cannot give?

We are an evolving creature, situations and circumstances around us causes us to change; sometimes these changes are subtle and sometimes it could be drastic, however these changes are personal to us, rarely do we stop to consider how others around us will handle this change or indeed how they are affected by the changes in us, yet, we have expectations of them which may or may not be in line with who they are or indeed who they have become, because just like us, they are changing too.

In order  for our expectations to be fair and appropriate, I believe we need a constant evaluation of who we are, what defines us , what we belief in, what we can realistically live with and  what values we cannot compromise on;  because all of these are ever changing and are influenced to a greater or lesser extent by our experience and our environment.

Then we need to look around us and understand that, though we may have all of these, we cannot realistically expect everyone around us to feel or act the same, because they have their values which may be worlds apart from ours, now, that should never disqualify them from being our friends, but it will guide us towards the level of relationship we can hold with them, there is absolutely no point looking for comfort from a person who is emotionally detached from reality, but they could be a great friend in another area.

Friendship means a lot of different things to different people, therefore, if we can take time to understand what we want out of our relationship with others, we should then be able to discern which of our friends can supply that need, we will then not have misplaced trust or over-optimistic expectation of them, therefore, we hurt less.

As human beings, we operate on attraction, we are attracted to people based on looks, their outward qualities  or the social class they belong to, whilst there is nothing wrong with that and it might be fair to say it is our genetic makeup, we  need time to know our friends  and I mean deep understanding of them as a person and through the passing of time, we grow to love them for who they are and not who we want them to be.

One of the pillars hindering our happiness is our expectations, it is therefore fair to say that if our expectations are measured we spare ourselves an unnecessary burden, we can therefore tick another box in our “I want to be happy” checkboxes.

I used to expend a lot of energy on people’s attitude and that was because I had the wrong expectations of them, I realized that I do not have a good understanding of who they are and what makes them who they are, in some cases, they just cannot be any better or worse that the evidence in front of me, but I was looking for something in them they do not possess, until one day my brother told me that my problem was that I had high expectations of people and that’s why I was always hurt.

That struck  a strong chord in my subconscious mind, for several months I thought about it, and did as much reading as I could on the subject matter and I realized he was right, I also realized I could not change anyone, I could only change me. and I started working on myself, I certainly want to be happy in all ramification, whilst that might not be possible in every way, I definitely do not want to be the driver of my own unhappiness.

You hold the key to your happiness, managing your expectation of people might just be the gateway you need.